The purpose of this blog is for me to capture my journey in a way it can't get lost and it can be shared if anyone was every interested. I have done so much thinking and discussing and thinking and reading and thinking since June - sorting and sifting through my feelings and thoughts trying to gather them together.
Having re-read what I wrote earlier I can see some pretty big information gaps. One - I was born, adopted and live in New Zealand. Last year I travelled to Armidale, New South Wales, Australia in the hope I would meet my mother.
I suppose this could raise other questions - how did I find her? Why make the journey now? Hummmm I can cover these at another time - as its been quite a process getting to this point. But I did find her, I did make the journey and this is what happened after she slammed her front door in my face and I felt like I had committed a crime as I left her house....
In the safety of the rental car I drove around the corner out of site of the house and took several deep breaths. I felt so proud of myself - I had done it, I faced the terror and uncertainty and I had done what I set out to do. Perhaps this was just the after effect of too much adrenalin - doesn't matter I felt triumphant.
It didn't occur to me to race around to the back door and try again. I had already got so much - to see, hear and meet my mother. Already the trip had delivered more than I could have hoped for.
I took one more drive past the house before heading out of town and there she was - walking down the driveway of her home. We looked at each other and I kept driving.
I decided to take a quick drive around Armidale - not likely I would ever be back there again. Its a beautiful wee town and as I was driving I decided that I needed to be at the meeting place I had suggested just in case and if nothing else to finish this properly.
As I pulled up to the hotel about an hour later - there she was standing in the lobby, pacing and with her sleeves rolled up. Yikes this woman looked like she was ready for a fight. As I walked into the lobby I honestly thought I was going to freeze with nerves - I finally knew what people were talking about when they say their knees were knocking and their mouth was dry.
The minute she saw me she was on to me - 'What do you want?' 'Why are you here?' etc. We sat down and I think I said something like 'In seeing you and hearing you, you have probably already given me all that I want'. I just sat and looked at her. I think we were both a little taken aback!
Again - if I could just have frozen that moment in time it would have been perfect. Where is the film crew when you need it?
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