Chapter Eight - The meeting

So I drove away from Norma.  But I had seen her and I had heard her voice.  I suppose I could have carried on chatting about her dog to make the moment last longer.

I did a bit of a drive around Armidale - I wasn't ever going to visit there again.  Its a really pretty town, particularly in autumn.

I thought it was pointless to go back to the hotel - with all the too-ing and fro-ing it was almost 1pm.  But I decided to as that was where I said I would be and if nothing else it ended this adventure.

As I drove up to the hotel there she was - through the glass I could see her with her sleeves rolled up and pacing back and forward.

I parked the car and made my way inside.  If I have felt terror before, I was now feeling terror times 5!  Dry throat, knees seemed to be disconnected, and heart leaping all over my chest.

There we were facing each other in the lobby of a hotel.  Man was she cross!  I managed to wrangle her into a lobby chair and we sat and talked for three hours.

I could see myself in her.  For the first time in my life I was with someone who was physically related to me and who looked like me.  Unless you have been at this place I suspect its difficult to understand but I have longed to look like someone - to know where the dark thin hair came from, and the nose, and the height.  I can't really describe the impact of this on me adequately - but I felt a deep sense of calm.  Here she was.  Finally.

She told me that she could see her family in me but nothing of my birth father.  Several times she mentioned that I was like her sister Jenny . When I asked if this was a good thing she said she loved Jenny very much.  I also reminded her of her son Tim but no mention of her other two children as being similar.

I talked with her as if I had known her forever - it didn't take too long for her to start to share her story.   The story of me and mine - bless you Norma. 

Norma was brought up in a small farming community - Taree, New South Wales.  From memory she is the eldest of seven children - three girls and four boys.  

Farm land near Armidale, NSW, at sunset.

Her father she described as a quiet, smart and bookish man.  Her fathers parents had died young and he had been brought up by his grandparents.  He encouraged her to read and as a railway employee had access to a large library and would bring books home for her and talk with her about what she was reading.  The warmth and respect she felt towards this man was evident.  

Her mother didn't fare quite as well.  She felt her mother was not her fathers equal.  She dominated him.  Her mother didn't treat all her children the same and had clear favourites - some got tennis lessons, others didn't.  Norma was not a favourite.  

Norma had been dating a local chap Kenneth - he came from a Moorland farming family and she thought they would marry.  She could see herself doing well as a farmers wife and was in love with him.  Kenneth by her accounts was a 'bit of a lad'.  She had stayed at the farm and felt Kenneth's mother didn't like her doing that and didn't approve of her.  

Norma left Taree and travelled to Dunedin, New Zealand on a working holiday scheme, it was here that she found she was pregnant.  When she told Kenneth about this he didn't believe it was his baby.  

Kenneth married a wee while later, to a girl Norma felt was proud and walked with her nose in the air!  

Kenneth's brother attempted to date one of Norma's sisters at a later stage and she warned her off him pretty smartly!

Moorland, Taree, NSW - near Kenneth's family farm

So there she was in New Zealand on her own and given her family relationships - not able to return home easily.  There was no way her mother would have her in the house, her father wouldn't stand up for her - Taree is a very small place.  

Over the next few months she travelled in New Zealand heading towards Auckland.  She tired to make it on her own and could see that she wouldn't be able to survive alone and with a baby.  In Auckland she moved into Bethany Hospital.

I don't have a soft spot for the Salvation Army - and I had always imagined they were judgemental towards woman in Norma's situation - baby for board type arrangements.  Norma tells me they were lovely.  Bethany was a safe haven.

She couldn't recall my birth - the time of day or my birth weight.  I was told I was 5lb 2 oz and premature. She does recall that I was tiny baby but a good feeder.  Interestingly my adoptive mother told me I took hours to feed and would promptly vomit everything up after every feed and she would have to start again.  Who says the baby doesn't notice the mother switch?!

One of the saddest thoughts I have had about my adoption was the thought that between being born and being adopted I was left on my own.  Norma told me that she feed and cared for me during this time.  This is a huge weight off my heart - I have often felt grief about a new born not having physical comfort, touch and sound.

She can't recall why she choose Kerry Jane as my name.

I suspect these details are well locked away or long forgotten.  I wish I did know.

Chapter Seven - The day I met my mother.

Well its been a long while between posts - the only explanation I can offer for the delay is the hope that this post would be my opus - beautifully written, capturing every detail and a person needs time to get that sort of writing done.  Well that's not going to happen so I might as well get it all down as best I can.

The purpose of this blog is for me to capture my journey in a way it can't get lost and it can be shared if anyone was every interested.  I have done so much thinking and discussing and thinking and reading and thinking since June - sorting and sifting through my feelings and thoughts trying to gather them together.

Having re-read what I wrote earlier I can see some pretty big information gaps.  One - I was born, adopted and live in New Zealand.  Last year I travelled to Armidale, New South Wales, Australia in the hope I would meet my mother.  

I suppose this could raise other questions - how did I find her?  Why make the journey now?  Hummmm I can cover these at another time - as its been quite a process getting to this point.  But I did find her, I did make the journey and this is what happened after she slammed her front door in my face and I felt like I had committed a crime as I left her house....

In the safety of the rental car I drove around the corner out of site of the house and took several deep breaths.  I felt so proud of myself - I had done it, I faced the terror and uncertainty and I had done what I set out to do.  Perhaps this was just the after effect of too much adrenalin - doesn't matter I felt triumphant.

It didn't occur to me to race around to the back door and try again.  I had already got so much - to see, hear and meet my mother.  Already the trip had delivered more than I could have hoped for.

I took one more drive past the house before heading out of town and there she was - walking down the driveway of her home.  We looked at each other and I kept driving.

I decided to take a quick drive around Armidale - not likely I would ever be back there again.  Its a beautiful wee town and as I was driving I decided that I needed to be at the meeting place I had suggested just in case and if nothing else to finish this properly.

As I pulled up to the hotel about an hour later - there she was standing in the lobby, pacing and with her sleeves rolled up.  Yikes this woman looked like she was ready for a fight.  As I walked into the lobby I honestly thought I was going to freeze with nerves - I finally knew what people were talking about when they say their knees were knocking and their mouth was dry.

The minute she saw me she was on to me - 'What do you want?' 'Why are you here?' etc.  We sat down and I think I said something like 'In seeing you and hearing you, you have probably already given me all that I want'.  I just sat and looked at her.  I think we were both a little taken aback!

Again - if I could just have frozen that moment in time it would have been perfect.  Where is the film crew when you need it?