As I pulled up outside Norma's house I was a bag of nerves. There was a car in the drive so someone was home. I parked around the nearby corner and walked to the house - as I approached the house the car zipped out of the drive way and off down the road. I hadn't expected that! At a glance it looked like a woman driving but I couldn't be sure.
I went back to the car, took some deep breaths, then went to find a coffee place to re-think my strategy.
About half an hour later I drove back to the house and was pleased to see the car back in the drive. Again I parked the care and stepped out and headed towards the house again, not quite as anxious this time.... and the blasted car had gone again! Seriously? It all felt like a French farce.
Given I was already a bit edgy and one strong coffee down - I thought another coffee wasn't going to be a good idea so I went window shopping for a bit.
So I figured that as an older woman, if Norma was anything like my parents, then she could be expected to have her lunch bang on the dot of 12 noon.
I returned at midday, the car was back in the drive way. This time I parked right outside (to keep an eye on any comings and goings!) and marched to the doorway. By this time I wasn't anxious, nervous or worried at all - all those feelings had been replaced with 100% determination to make my move before anyone could leave the property again!
Yap yap yap yap yap...... a wee sausage dog roared into action barking with enthusiasm behind the screen door at the front of the house. Norma came out onto the porch, wrangling the dog - and there she was, my birth mother, right in front of me fussing about the dog and reassuring me he was all bark and would lick me to death with kindness.
If I could have frozen that scene just for a moment I would have - just to look at her, just to stand in that moment and experience it slowly.
The conversation went something like this 'Hello my name is Gill Rxxxxxx from Wellington, New Zealand'. I assumed she would recognise my adopted name as it was known to her. Not a flicker of recognition.
Deep breath 'You will know me as Kerry Jane Gxxxxx' (this is my birth name). Nope not a flicker - zip, zero.
'Norma I believe you are my birth mother, I am your daughter'. BOOM! She was off that porch and back in her house in a flash - snapping 'No, no, no, no, no!' as she went. And as the front door was slammed shut, I threw the card into the hallway.
It said something like this....
I know you don't welcome this contact and I understand the need for privacy is important to you.
You will probably understand that the need for information is important to me.
I am looking for information not a relationship, and in the first instance you are the best person to get information from.
I will be at Quality Hotel at 1pm if we don't arrange another time or place to meet when I introduce myself.
Kind regards
Gill
+ contact details
As I walked away from the house a feeling of terror hit me - I felt like I was in immediate physical danger and the flight response kicked in. I was absolutely terrified and my body felt like jelly.
I got back to the car and pulled myself together and text my buddies 'Well that's a no then'.
I felt all sorts of feelings at once but the overriding feelings were: numb - after months of planning and plotting, worrying and wondering it was done and I felt depleted. I felt proud and brave - I had done it, I had honoured a promise I made to myself. I felt joy - I had seen her, I had heard her. This was more than I had hoped for already.
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