The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier was an amazing gift of a book and helped me sort out how I think about the impact of adoption on me.
Hers was one of the first books I read - others had left me a bit cold and didn't sit well as they just didn't feel right or capture my experience.
The Primal Wound knocked me right off my seat - I think I read it three times in a row, there were parts that I read and re-read. Finally someone got it - finally I had words and concepts to describe my reality. Best of all, it was written from a perspective that didn't seem to be making an ideological stand. Just a mum describing her own observations of the difference between her biological and adopted children - no axe to grind.
On the surface of it I suspect folk would describe me as pretty up front and not unduly bothered about being adopted. But often the whole adoption thing creeps up on me and is a source of great, great pain and sadness.
I hit the family jackpot in adoptive family roulette. I have little to complain about. Why given a good solid upbringing did adoption continue to be an issue. How could something that happened so long ago keep popping up?
Until I read The Primal Wound, it just didn't make sense and I would go around and around with this. I really connect with the idea that a wound that occurs when the mother and baby find themselves apart through adoption. A wound that heals in its own way but leaves a scar that never quite goes away.
For some people the scar will be huge and disfiguring and have a big impact on the person, for others its a battle scare worn with pride.... but we all have a scar.
I loved the idea that adoption sets up a life long search for self. Its not a one off, done and dusted kind of thing. I don't have to get hung up on the need to revisit my feelings from time to time, its just part of the process. What a relief! Nancy gave me permission to sometimes feel ok and at other times feel stink! What I was feeling was normal and perfectly logical.
The chapters dealing with an adoptee's strategies to avoid rejection were perfect.
I am pretty self contained and it doesn't take a degree in psychology to work out this is based on not letting people get too close or be in a position to let me down. I don't gather people around me and there are very few people I able to honest and open with about the things that really matter to me. I take a long time to trust people at any deep level.
There is every possibility when I approach Norma, my birth mother, in the next few days she could really do some damage. From slamming the door in my face (literally), to giving me some free and frank feedback about disrupting her life - she has already made it clear she doesn't want contact.
Yip I could be in for a rough ride, there may be unhappy tears but whatever happens this can't be worse than living with the regret of not approaching her or laying my eyes on her.
I can only control myself - I have no ability to make Norma do what she doesn't want to do.
When I started this post I wanted to chew over how I will cope with rejection - the benefit of one finger typing is as I have thought about this - it's not do or die. It's just part of the journey and there may be a massive speed bump or dead end but at least I had the courage and I kept my promise to myself.
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