It is so obvious that her sons birth was a time of awfulness (her word) from the conception, to the panic of finding out she was pregnant and facing her family, to the birth, to the relinquishment. And who wants to got back to awful all the time?
I can hear her voice now 'honestly it's a time in my life I just don't want to go back to' and it's not said with spite or venom but with tiredness. The whole business was fraught and unwelcome and the thought of having to give it more head room and heart room is exhausting - that's the kind of the sense I get when we talk about this stuff.
I recall her telling about a dinner party conversation she was at as a married adult - where her child's adoption got raised (it's that third glass of wine that does it!). How folk assumed she was sexually confident or promiscuous. How distressing it was for Christine sit and listen to her friends make light of what was a ghastly time in her life. As the chat moved on to the next topic she was left to sit feeling sad, judged and humiliated by the experience. By the time she retold it to me she was fairly outraged!
Other peoples view are a real problem for me. One of the reasons I am doing this trip alone is that I can't stand the thought of having to listen to someone else's view and opinion.
My friends fall into two clear camps -
The pink tulle and satin ribbon brigade - those that have read too many trashy novels or watched too many day time Find My Family programmes. They honestly believe reunion will be bring emotional healing, everyone will get on well, there will be flowers and hugs and tears of joy. The credits roll and everyone rides off happily into the sunset.
This group aren't interested in the details or complexity they just seem into an emotional moment and their thinking (meaning advice and opinion and recommendations) is best described as light and short term. Their motivation is faultless, they wish for peace, happiness and closure. And I love them all.
Then there is the let sleeping dogs lie brigade - these folk have a cautious and sometimes soured view of adoption.
This is often as the result of a bad adoption experience in their own family or where there is a strong desire to protect the adoption myth or the primacy of the adoptive family.
I have a friend Anna who bursts into tears if adoption gets talked about as she finds this really hurtful as it impacts on her view of her own family. She has two adopted brothers.
Its important to these folk that we maintain the idea that the new family is the only family. What happened before was a mistake. Adoption is the solution. Any attempt to open up the adoption can of worms could be difficult or dangerous. Of course their motivation is faultless too they just want to protect and keep me safe.
As I write I can see a third group who are detached or realistic enough to walk a little down the middle. They are realists who understand the drive to find out more or keep going till every possibility or opportunity has been explored. They also know there will be disappointment, frustration and hurt.....and they bring tissues and practical common sense. Bless them all.
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